Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
