Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
