If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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