so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
