what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
