Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
