Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
