My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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