Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
