I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
