Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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