hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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