She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
