They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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