fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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