eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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