he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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