guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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