We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
