uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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