those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
