my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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