Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
