I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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