I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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