I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
