Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
pray to the hookup gods
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
