you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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