I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
