I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
