Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There's always time for handjobs
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
