I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
