Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Still dying that you shit outside
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
