i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is Oprah even human
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
