We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
