probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The feeling are messing with the penis
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
