I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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