you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
