She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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