Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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