We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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