Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
