You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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