So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
