we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
