Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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