Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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