well I can't set my house on fire every night
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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