I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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