I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
