Define "chronic" masturbator.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
