my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
